Why I’m Starting Over at 45

I found myself asking, "What the heck am I doing with my life?" not that long ago.

We’ve all been taught to climb the ladder, but when we finally get to the top, we might realize we built the wrong ladder entirely. That is exactly why I am starting over at the age of 45.

It’s not starting over from a place of loss or failure, but from a place of wisdom. I’m choosing to find a different path for the second half of my life. To understand why, I think it helps to know where I’m coming from.

From Survival to Success

My first job was as a receptionist at a steel factory. I was a very young mother and I just needed to survive. Back then, it had nothing to do with being passionate about the work or "enjoying" my career; I just needed to make enough money to scrape by, pay the bills, and buy groceries. The concept that you could actually enjoy your job seemed like a luxury other people had, but definitely not me.

So, I worked. I worked hard. I said yes to every single opportunity. Eventually, I found a job doing data entry at an insurance company. From there, I just kept pushing. I volunteered, I proved myself, and they continued to give me more responsibility.

Over the years, that survival instinct that "I need to pay the bills" energy started to combine with a pull for external validation. Doing good work felt good, but being seen and appreciated for it felt even better. Promotions, praise, and recognition became my new fuel. It turned into a nonstop search for validation.

The View from the Top (and the Hollow Feeling Inside)

By the time I got high enough up the ladder, I had a great title. I had amazing colleagues and worked for an incredible company. Looking from the outside in, I had totally "made it." I could check off every single box of success.

But beneath the surface, I felt hollow.

It was a never-ending cycle: the more I achieved, the more I was rewarded, and the more I wanted to achieve. I never stopped to wonder, "Is this what I actually want to do?" I had moved from the anxiety of not having enough to an existential anxiety of: Am I enough?

I never felt like I was enough. I felt I needed to be more productive; I could never turn myself off. I reached a point of total fatigue. I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on it. It was frustrating because, on paper, I had everything. Why did I feel this sense of aimlessness?

I felt guilty. I thought, "I should be grateful for this life." But I couldn't shake the hollow feeling that haunted me. I even went to a therapist thinking I must be depressed. When they told me I wasn’t depressed, it was a real wake-up call. I had to look internally and realize I had lost sight of what I actually wanted.

Running Away vs. Running Towards

One thing I realized relatively quickly was that I couldn’t just run away from the job I was in. It was a good job! If I had just run into something else looking for a change, I would have run into the exact same problems.

I needed to take a step back and figure out why I was having these issues first. I had to ask: Where do I want to go, rather than what am I running away from?

That was the pivotal moment for me: understanding the difference between running away and running towards. Of course, then came the big question... what am I running towards?

Honestly, I’ve always been trying to figure that out. Over the years, I went to school for massage therapy, I started a pet-walking business and I did a lot of things because I knew deep down there was something "more," but I didn't know what it was.

Finding the North Star

The breakthrough happened during a leadership development program. I finally had the space to reflect, get mentorship, and focus on my values. It was there I realized: I want to be a coach. I wanted to be the person delivering those programs.

It was so exciting because I realized I wasn't totally starting from scratch. I could take my corporate experience, my leadership background, and my history with burnout, and use all of it to help people in similar situations.

Now, is it scary? Absolutely. How do you actually do that? It’s been a journey. A slow, methodical, non-linear journey filled with ups, downs, and a lot of uncertainty. But I know the direction I’m going.

Any decision I make now, I weigh against those "big rocks" in my life. I make sure I’m moving toward them. The path tends to make itself known as you get closer to those rocks, even if the road is windy and the progress feels slow. I’m keeping that North Star in front of me.

A Question for You

As I continue on this path, I want to leave you with a question regarding the big decisions you're making right now:

What is your primary driver? Is it survival, validation, or alignment?

There is a lot to be learned in all of those phases, and there’s a time and place for each. But as I move into my journey of alignment, I’d love to do that with you.